Coping With Stress :o)

 

 

One of the things that I have always marveled at is the capability of the human mind to be flexible and adaptable, doing what is necessary for each of us to cope with our various stresses and issues in life.  I think that we learn a balancing act as we go through life.  We develop ways to deal with the psychological aspects of the situation, and we develop coping mechanisms.  Certainly I have little experience in this area of knowledge, but as I have read some journals over the last six months or so, and seen the various reasons and uses people have for being in J-Land (click here for a previous entry on why we journal), it really got me thinking.  I have been introspective, thinking about how I have dealt with my trials and tribulations, how I have coped, and what has helped mold me into the person that I am today. 

 

I know that when I was younger my defense mechanism was what I refer to as fuzzy memory.  I have difficulty recalling details from some of the more stressful periods of my life (my parents divorce, the deaths of my grandmothers, my brother leaving to move in with my father, someone in my family being abused, my mother going through some difficult medical issues, my father losing his business and going bankrupt).  I suppose that this would be a form of compartmentalization, if that is actually a psychological definition, but it seems that I have lost the key and decoder ring - so I cannot access some of the compartments. 

 

These events occurred during high school, college, and the first few years of my professional life.  As I look back on these times, I realize that my coping mechanism involved male bonding and having something to focus on.  I have fond memories of a male oriented youth group where I made some friends that helped me through the high school period (even though we were at times quite rebellious), and we had rituals and memorizations that required focus.  In college, there was a group of us that alternated between Chicago road trips, camping excursions, and some bar antics to get us through the stress of the higher education experience, with our education being the focal point.  Later in life, when I lived in California and Michigan, I had an extremely stressful home life, but I had close friends in both places that I could talk to and find ways to endure, and my career and professional activities gave me a place to focus my energy.   I have an excellent memory for financial issues, but cannot remember names of classmates from high school.  I can recall details from a meeting at work from a year ago, but cannot recall what years I saw Elton John in concert.  I can recall phone numbers of people at work, but cannot recall the names of my roommates in college.  

 

Conversely, I have a crystal clear recollection of one of the more traumatic times in my life, the passing of my father in 1990.  I had the support of a couple of my long time friends (Todd and Scott) during this very difficult period of my life (my father was my best friend, by role model, and my business partner).  Without their support, one in Illinois, the other in California, this could have been a very lonely time for me.  The funny thing is, I think my Dad recognized this in advance, and he named me Executor of his will, and that need to focus and engage is the single thing that helped me get through this time, and still retain a crystal clear memory.  That traumatic event certainly changed me, giving me the self-confidence, the recognition that we need to focus on the things that bring happiness and joy to us in life, and fortitude to make the decisions that I needed to make in order to break from the baggage of the past.  The other interesting thing for me is that ever since 1990 when my father passed away, my memory of events and issues in my life are crystal clear.  Is it possible that our coping mechanisms change as our tool chest for dealing with stresses and issues change?

 

This got me to thinking about how the mind copes.  Recently, I have come across some information that has made me wonder if I have compartmentalized to much.  The facts of events that I remember are completely different from what I am seeing.  Is it possible that people can alter the facts to match their version of reality?  Is this a form of coping?  This got me to thinking about how the mind copes.  A search found the following from Wikipedia: 

 

The psychological definition of coping is, the process of managing taxing circumstances, expending effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems, and seeking to master, minimize, reduce or tolerate stress or conflict. In coping with stress, people tend to use one of the three main coping strategies: either appraisal focused, problem focused, or emotion focused coping. (Weiten, Lloyd, 2006). 

• Appraisal-focused strategies occur when the person modifies the way they think, for example: employing denial, or distancing oneself from the problem. People may alter the way they think about a problem by altering their goals and values, such as by seeing the humor in a situation. 
• People using problem focused strategies try to deal with the cause of their problem. They do this by finding out information on the disease, learning new skills to manage their disease and rearranging their lives around the disease.
• Emotion focused strategies involve releasing pent-up emotions, distracting one-self, managing hostile feelings, meditating, using systematic relaxation procedures, etc.

People may use a mixture of these different types of coping, and coping mechanisms will usually change over time.

To be human is to experience crisis. Some will be caused by societal tragedies such as the tragic shooting at Virginia Tech. Some will be caused by natural disaster such as earthquake, hurricane or some other large magnitude act of nature beyond our control. And some will be caused by more personal experiences such as illness, death, or another difficult experience. Everyone will react differently to the same crisis. The emotional experience is as individual as the other characteristics of the person. Even more confusing to ourselves and to those around us is the changing nature of crisis response. Psychologically we are equipped to deal with various aspects of a crisis at different times and our reactions can run the gamut over time.

 

One thing that has not changed is that I do not dwell on the past.  My observation is that dwelling on the past, rehashing the details and figuring out where the blame belongs, only leads to negativity and bitterness.  You see, this type of coping focuses on others, and not on ourselves.  If we cannot be introspective, then I am not convinced that we can ever really move on.  I do not need closure on these things.  Things happened, I dealt with them at the time, I internalized the crucial aspects and learning moments, and I moved on. 

 

Today, my coping mechanism is not fuzzy logic, I have great memory for detail over the last seven years.  There is no more "fuzzy memory", my coping mechanism today is "pragmatism".  You see, when there are not daily stresses when you walk through the door, and your home is your sanctuary, and your wife is your partner and best friend, then you can take the time to ponder and contemplate, and work through situations before they become stresses.  When outside stressors rear their ugly heads, you can look at them, assess them, and come up with a plan of action (or inaction) that fits with your goals and values.  I choose to not let others cause me stress, anguish and anger. 

 

I am my own puppet master :o)

Tags: Stress, Coping